Since beginning this type of work, there is absolutely no hiding from the areas of myself I’d refer to as the shadow self. The more we work with people on healing their own wounds, we also cannot avoid shining a light on ours. But that’s the only way to heal and to reveal our true self, to shine a light on the darkness. So rather than hiding from the discomfort of healing, I have leaned into it (softly) and tried to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
The rule of Level 1 in Reiki is that in order to heal others, you must first begin with your self. And that’s all it is – the beginning. Over the years, we don’t ever get to a point where we are completely healed, but we slowly keep chipping away, revealing more and more layers. The reason we begin with healing the Self, is because Reiki cracks open our heart to not only giving love, but also to receiving love. Love of others, of Divine and of course, love from our Self.
Yesterday, I had a session with a client who has noticed the same patterns in her failed relationships. She meets a guy and he shows signs of commitment and true love and then he pulls back. The cycle continues again and again. He tells her he doesn’t feel comfortable with something she does or say so he pulls back. His love is conditional. The things with relationships is that they are a mirror for our own relationships with our Self. We can actually learn a lot about how we feel towards ourselves simply by looking at what we have attracted outside. Put simply, the love this client places on her Self is conditional. She only feels worthy or ‘enough’ when she does or says certain things.
She had recently broken up with another guy. She felt a great pull one night to just leave him – pack her stuff and let the relationship go. But she still kept questioning her behaviour in the relationship, and then questioning his. Jumping back and forth she was conflicted between wanting him to love her and not wanting him in her life at all. She knew she could do better, but then could she really? The sex was incredible, but he was an asshole. He wants someone to just do whatever he wants. But I realised in doing that I lost my spark. The consultation continued like this for about 45 minutes. The conflict about her relationship with the guy – a mirror of the struggle she has with the relationship with her Self.
During a consultation, I try to navigate a client’s truth. There is always something underlying when it comes to an issue they believe they’re presenting – what is it that they really want? Often we can get there with coaching, but it’s not until a client gets up on the massage table and we do the energy work where the magic truly happens. We can only talk about what we ‘think’ we know about ourselves. But energy doesn’t hide and it doesn’t just take a guess. Energy work reveals who we truly are.
She said something profound at the end of the consultation, she said, “I just wish sometimes that I could play small and not want anything more.” I asked her what her Higher Self wanted, not her Ego Self. Did her Higher Self want her to be with a guy who would keep her playing small? No.
During the healing session, I connect with the client’s Higher Self and ask for any messages to come through for the client. I wanted to explore whether she should in fact be playing small. I simply asked the question, “Who is this woman?” Immediately I had a vision of a goddess come through and a name – Saoirse. During a healing, clients tend to get into a meditative state. Upon bringing the client back to the room and the present moment, she told me she saw a goddess. I also confirmed her experience with my own and told her I even knew her name. We looked her up afterwards – the Goddess of Self Love.
If you knew you were a Goddess, how would you live your life differently? If you knew you were supported, loved, and guided like a Goddess, would you live small?
There is great discomfort with healing. Because in the process we are asked to step up. We are asked to step towards the desires of our Higher Self and let go of the restriction and limitation that is imposed on us from our Ego self. Ego is not the darkness. In fact, it comes from a place of love and support. It wants us to be safe and protected. Keeping us small. But when we have moments, like my client where we feel pulled by something bigger to leave or create something, that is a pull from our Goddess.
It takes time before we feel comfortable. We have great learning to do with each challenge. We need to overcome and pass the test before we can reach the new level. The discomfort that comes with healing is only temporary. But the discomfort from not stepping in and living your truth may last your entire life. So trust it, lean into it. Be kind to yourself, compassionate and remember that the only way to reveal the shadow is to shine a light onto it. So, as we feel more fear, we need more Love. Follow the infinite dreams of your Higher Self, not the limited fears of your Ego.
Your life is not to be played small, you are after all, a Goddess.
In love and light